Other people don’t get it that all of us has an inner process that works with the Divine, not so that they can understand us better, but so that we can understand ourselves and more, learn better to follow our own guidance.
I am sure that you are aware that I am writing a whole lot about awareness as of late and giving you all clues about how to broaden your own. I am big on patterns. I have to follow the patterns of other people because it is part of the work I do in this lifetime as an Ordained weirdo. I have been able to follow patterns since I was a kid. At first, we don’t know what are our special gifts that are going to complement the ones that we do know about. I knew, very young, that there was something different about me.
I knew that for some strange reason, I could “guess” what someone was going to say next, and that I could “sense” what color my father’s auntie would wear to church on any Sunday morning. I knew which one of my cousins was going to be in church that morning, and I even knew why they would or would not be there, and most of the time I was correct. Of course, I was terrified by what I had heard in church then and for years afterwards, because I had this gift and had heard that I was going to burn in hell because I was (gulp) “psychic.” (And what a ridiculously over-used word it is, right? I prefer the word “empathetic,” or “sensitive.”)
What I did not realize was that all that fear I’d been force fed actually did me a whole lot of good.
Yes. Read that again, because it is the one time that I will say to anyone that sometimes, when it comes to sharpening the gifts that we do not know we have (and won’t know until we can tame our Ego self enough to not misuse our gifts to gain temporarily or to bring harm to others) fear is the best teacher, because fear will cause us to reach inside, be brave, and run headlong into it, not with others, but, with ourselves. This is what that time in my life gave to me – a reason to not be afraid. In not being afraid of my gifts, I started learning more about what I could do with them. I learned things that lots of other people like believing that I am able to do ,such as turn other humans into toads, I also learned that I am very, very intuitive in a whole lot of ways.
The higher purpose, at least for me, is as healer, as someone who can relate to another’s pain in terms of abandonment, in terms of the things that shatter us and make us hurt all the way down to the very bones of our souls. It was a long time ago, as I am now recalling, that I began learning to observe people. It was something that my mother and I did all the time, and when we would do this, she would make comments about people, and I would watch these people, but I would not see just what she saw. I would see so much more. I would see their gait and how it was that if someone else stopped them mid-pace, it would seem to momentarily confuse them, stop them in their tracks and make them do something, sort of check some kind of secret, inner check list. And then they would start all over again and continue on their way. I would watch people with my mother, admittedly for the humorous comments she would make about people and their manner of dress, or speech, or hair.
When I began to really and truly understand human nature, right about age 9, is when the people watching thing started to serve me with something more – I began to notice similar patterns in the greater populace of people in my locality. As time passed and I kept getting older, I started doing this on a large scale and even started taking notes, most of them mental notes, lots of them jotted down on paper, and now at the age of 46, I can pretty much tell a whole lot about a person’s pattern of living merely from the mannerisms they have which is contained in their walk. If they are with someone else, it is their walk, the pace they keep with the people they are with, their hand and facial gestures, and naturally, their auric field. I could always see peoples’ auras. I understand now that this is what I was looking at, and this is what drew me to what I wrongly thought was entertainment when really it was me learning to hone the thing that would serve me in my working life as the Reverend.
It served me with a greater, daily sharpening awareness.
A Sharpened Awareness
As an Intuitive, it is my job to become aware of everything around me so that I can relate it to everything else going on at that very moment. Lately, and I am very upset with myself, but I now know why it is that I “stepped away” from this part of my work for a bit and it was not so that I could tend to things in the material world only, but so that through that attendance I would, just like when I was a child, not realize that The Mother Goddess was sharpening my gifts and doing so through the mechanism of pain and of loss that really, I cannot see them as only that any longer. I can only see it all as the rubble upon which a new foundation has already been in the making for a very long time, which is something else that I did not realize until a short time ago.
I figured out a few days ago that through all of the loss that I have been feeling, and all of the pain that has happened to me and a very few other people, that I have, we all have been being sharpened by the fires of Life.
The Light from the Fires of Life will show you patterns
My soul sister, Amber, and I, of late, have been practicing watching our own patterns, so that we would be able to, within that practice, give ourselves key words and the like when certain people begin to follow their pattern. She is a skin care specialist, but is also a Reiki healer. She has her own practice here in our area and is very popular with her clients. The reason being, I find, is that, like me, she is very good at watching the patterns of other people. It comes from being a service person. By this I am not only saying that she provides a valuable service for other people, but, because inherently she knows, like I know, that human beings are meant to be of good and loving service to and with the rest of the planet and all of its inhabitants. Because she works daily with the public, she is very aware of a person’s energy the moment that they are in her awareness.
In like kind, when I am in the energy of other educators, I am very aware of what it is that is bothering their student body, and I am even aware of how it is that when one part of their faculty becomes sort of like the fly in the book learnin’ ointment that sometimes, because of certain rules and regulations, they are at a loss, not for coming up with any ways to rectify the problem and still pay attention to the rules, but to come up with a creative way of solving it. This is where my gifts come in magnificently.
I have spent my entire life around educators, around other scientists of all sorts, around people who are in contact with other humans all day long, and because of this, I can relate, not only to them on their professional level, but, also, on the higher plane of living known as Spirit. I am aware of who they are immediately, and as quickly, I know, too, if they are or they are not a person who is right for their job with kids and young adults under their tutelage. I know when something is not right, and I am able to convey these messages to the right parties, it seems, right at the very rightest of times. This is not something that I have never not been able to do within that demographic of people.
The other demograhic of people would be free spirits, and this is the place in life where also, I find a whole lot of pain. Free spirited people, even though it might seem as though we have not a care in the world, the opposite is the truth in that it is not that we do not have a care in the world, but rather and only that we have been hurt so very much for so long a time that living with that pain and calling it a gift is just something that we have always known to do. We do it because we know that contained within that pain is the gift of learning and knowing and most of all, Wisdom. Sometimes, that pain is so well honed to a sharpness that eventually, when the time is right, it also serves us with what is known as our 6th sense, sharpened to a dangerous point.
Patterns, Process and the Honing of the 6th Sense
We are not told that when we go through a lifetime of hurt and many years of living with that inner pain, that we are also being sharpened and made ready for a time in our lives that we will need these things for.
For me, the sharpening came the moment that I did not realize that I was about to become someone else’s victim. I did not know then what I know now and what so many people tell me all the time and that I cannot see. I have been told, many times, that I am the voice for those whose own voices have been quieted by the ones in their lives who have chosen to control them instead of letting them be who they really are. When I thought about it, and even though I was like “nuh uh,” it was the truth. It is the Truth. I did not set out for this truth, but it is mine. I know this because here I am, on this side of the abuse, the side where the survivors are, calling others who are being victimized to this side of life when their fear subsides enough to give way to their bravery. I am not the advocate that helps rescue victims. No one rescued me, I now realize, because it was always myself who would do it. And really, it is mine to show to the rest of the people whose lives are affected by abuse, so that they can know that peace does happen, that it takes a little time to get through but that they will get through it, they will get out.
I know this. I am doing just this…getting out of the mindset that what happened to me all that time only harmed me. The truth is that I utilized that experience to sharpen my awareness, to bring to me the boldness that was stolen and to allow me to wear that scar of abuse like so many veterans wear their medals just because they earned them. I am not afraid to tell people what I have been through, and I am no longer scared to let go of people who ask me the damned dumbest question anyone could ever ask anyone who is being abused – “Why didn’t you just leave?” and the only thing that I have to say to those people is that if you do not know why we don’t just leave, then you have no real idea of the crap that that other person is going through. The last thing that they need is one more person judging them as to why they do not do the things that they are being suggested they do by you. You just shut up and go be a hero to someone who you CAN help, okay? (*steps off of soapbox*)
The reason that I shared this with you all is simple – I am showing you the Flame of the Fire that kicked my ass for a long set of years, and now I realize that without that ass kicking, as sick as it might seem, I might not be this me. I might not be this intuitive who is able to get online daily and tell the world that there is the other side of abuse, that there are patterns that all abused people learn about people in general through the people who have been the worst people in our private world. There are a lot of people who were just plain old mean and nasty to me, even when I was a child. I think the most harmful things that we can tell a kid is that if they don’t stop crying that they will be given something to cry about, and also, that they are not good enough to do something that they might well be very, very good at. We take away their fire right away, for no other good reason than that we will have to actually help them achieve their dreams. This is what was done to me. This is what was done to a whole lot of us, and lots of us chose to go the other way with our awareness and shut it down. No one blames you. Learning to see for real is painful if a person is not aware of the idea that what they are seeing and sensing is not their memory only, but their soul within them telling them what it is that they can use it for. This is what our pain serves us up with – who it is that we are going to be working with the most, and how it is that we, as light workers, are going to serve that portion of humanity.
It was through the patterns of habit that I saw as a child and that I watched, not only in my own extended family, but in life itself, that I one day understood was my mission in this lifetime with one other person who also went through this same sort of thing and who is also and now even going through almost the very same thing, in terms of the energy of things that suck, that I am. Either way, our energy of security has been rocked and somewhat turned to rubble. I know that through all of the things that I and on my own have gone through as of late that this, sharpening of my awareness in terms of patterns in life is why.
Yes, the reason that I got my ass kicked, was bullied and belittled, humiliated and made to think that I was not loveable is so that I could know otherwise in that while I cannot and do not believe that I was ever loved by one side of my family, at least not the way family ought to love anyone at all within that confine, was so that I would be able to see it in others, these things that have been alive all this time within me and which had to be sharpened so that I could tell other people how to look at other peoples’ patterns of behavior.
What other peoples’ patterns of behavior will tell us is how they got to be the person who they are now. It is never only our genetics that cause us to be who we are. We are carbon based beings and because of this we are prone to doing things like mammals do and we are more prone, because we are reasoning mammals, to believe the very worst of ourselves. I grew up thinking that I was not good enough, that I was of no help to anyone at all, and that no matter what, I would be nothing when I got to this age. This was the message. This was the match to the fuel wtihin me. This was the thing that sharpened my now very keen awareness, not only of my surroundings, but of the energetic reality of other people. If these people knew me for real and in this time of my life, they would be strangely without words, at first, and then they would go on about telling others who are like them the wrong things about me. This is okay. This is their perception and they have the right to their opinion.
What they no longer have the right to is to usurp my truth with their bullshit. This is the other thing that what a sharpened awareness will give to anyone…a magnificent bullshit detector…and that is only part of it. The reality is that we can all do these strange things that I am and have always been able to do. The other reality is that we also have the free will to choose to do them or not do them. When we let go of the fear is when the things we need to know will present themselves. I let go of the fear and allowed the pain to escape through the mechanism of going through the ugliness to get to this part, where I am making it my process to make progress…
Nothin’ wrong with that, right?