Yeah it is funny that I would title this writing “Believe” and of course, I do not until this moment realize the photo that I have chosen is of Cher.
I am a huge fan of Cher. Anyone who knows me knows this about me.
Right now there are things that I believe about me that are not that great, that make me cry, that make my heart just ache.
My intuition is serving me with a lot of shattered feelings, a lot of feeling dismembered, feeling like something is afoot, that something is about to become my reality and really, I am not certain that I am ready for it as much as I want to believe that I am.
I am terrified, really.
Of what, I have no clue – it is just there, and scaring the shit out of me. I realize that as the teacher of the Craft that I Am, the thing that I will reteach myself to do is never forget that there is something in this pain, in the length of time that it is taking me to get through this pain is nothing short of me, even though I have asked the world to pray with me, great…but look at the shit that I have had to go through first….all for what, other than the purpose of clearing those ways of being and believing OUT of my mind, and really, it is also that of the populace which is so jaded, so angry, so hurt, so feeling like less than we each and all are for real.
And truly, it DOES get old feeling like we have to stick to the script in terms of all things Spiritual, but at this moment, it might, again, be the New Moon in Scorpio that is making me and making a whole lot of us right this moment believe in the weaknesses, rather than in the strengths, of who we are, of what we are able to do, and most of all, who we love, for real, and why we love them. At this time in our lives, we are finding out who means the most to us. We are finding out what we are made of.
Right this moment, what my human self thinks is that I must be made of tears and pressures in life, because it is all that I know.
And no, it is not what a few would believe it is, because it has everything to do with me and how my mind has this magickal ability to see the entire picture, and right now, the picture has not changed back to what it was…the picture is still what I see the future as being, and yes, everyone who I saw there in my visions are still there, in the same capacity….and I want to trust what I see there.
Right now I cannot see anything but what is right in front of my face. Right now I cannot place myself in those feelings of healing energies because I am still doing what I have to in order to get out of these….feelings of doldrum….which is using the current New Moon Energies.
When we see that there is no change, at least change that we can see, it is at that time that we cannot see the change in others because we are not able, through the pain we are experiencing as a human, allow our souls to touch that pain. I am in the middle of same said pain as I write this. It feels like the thing that I am having to deal with is taunting me and teasing me and making me crazy on purpose. I want to believe that those who I love will also love me the way that I love them
I was taught this in church by my mom and my grandmother….
I Am A different sort of Minister – I do not know their god. I only know my Goddess, and my Goddess taught me about me….and from her I am learning to let go of the hurt, of the things that no one could see as being part of my own life, namely not me.
We are left, a lot of us who wear a different sort of “color of the cloth,” with the human being who is just very dearly in a lot of pain right now. There are a lot of us who are not trusted because we tend to break through the barriers of closed mindedness, of those who would not bother to tell us that there were things that we would not have wanted to know, things that we would not ever want to know, but know those things, we do.
Most of the time, we Know things long before we tangibly know them, and we are never ever prepared for the pain that is contained within those things – we only know the pain, and we are rarely prepared well enough for it. When we are taught specifically as Women of The Craft, what we are not taught is how to handle our pain, because from it is borne the wisdom of the ages.
Most of us are taught to believe in the things that we cannot see, that we do not hear anywhere else than in the soul as a whisper to the child who is still alive within, the child who, at least in my soul, is a crying mess. She is reaching out to me to mother her, and I Am trying so hard to help her, but, her Angels are keeping me from her….like I would hurt her or something.
They are not protecting her from me, or from you, either.
They are protecting her from being guided to things that damage her soul, are reminding her that there are things that are in the works, that the things that she so desires are almost there, because we all know that what we want also wants us, and is racing to meet us, every one of us, and namely if it is for the good of the whole, rather than only the individual. I am learning that “The Whole” can be many different things, and in my case, “The Whole” is in two places at one time. When I look at it that way, I see that I Am being gifted as the Pisces Who I Am, and made to know that there are some Who Want Me All To Themselves when in their presence.
There are things that tell me that on the other side of that is “The Whole” which is of my literal making, that is still in the learning phases, is still being created, not for me, but, for us all.
…by my hands, and by my Magick, no less, and in either case.
I have had to take the last few hours recreating the words that I Am Able to Believe, that, at the end of the sentence, says the same thing tangibly, but, leave me with a different energy and one that I know I am supposed to guide others to know within themselves.
But for fuckʻs fucking sake….canʻt the lessons come with at least more weed at the end of it???